Being a parent is f*cking scary!

Mom, I'm sorry for the (albeit censored) language in the post title.

I'm in this somewhat awkward period of my life where I have a child, but I don't fully understand what being a parent really means. I get tastes of it. I roll my eyes when the baby jabs me hard as I'm trying to fall asleep. I pray for that the baby will have a healthy and happy life. I get to dream about it's future, just like any parent would. But lately, the thing that has really made me feel like is parent is the FEAR. I have heard my father and other parents talk about how scary the world became when they became parents. I never knew what they meant before, but already I am starting to gain a better understanding. The world suddenly seems so much bigger, and frankly for the first time ever, I'm terrified of it. Current events--such as the scandal at Penn State and the Virginia Tech shootings are taking on more meaning for me than they ever have before. It's as if I'm seeing these events clearly for the first time. I didn't expect this feeling to overwhelm me  so much--and the baby isn't even here yet!

Josh and I are now faced with the reality that sometime soon, we are going to have to explain to our child that there are people out there that will hurt them if given the opportunity. How do you do that? And at what age? There isn't an age that is safe from the evils of this world. Even from a very young age, I can't protect this child all the time. Anything could happen! I don't know how to keep my children safe, and it terrifies me. What am I supposed to do?

Even now I can't protect him (or her). I can't keep my baby safe and I'm becoming more and more aware of that by events that surround me. A woman in my congregation recently lost her second son in her 24th week of pregnancy. Famous April mom, Michelle Duggar just lost her baby at 20 weeks. It breaks my heart to know how much pain this fellow mothers are going through. And it saddens me that the lives of their children were cut so short.

I'm aware that this post sounds somewhat panicky. I think being a mother is just going to be like that. I've never worried for myself, or anyone in my life like I'm already worried for my unborn child. It fascinates me, that such a change could occur inside of me so quickly. I didn't expect to love the baby this much at this point. I thought it would come later--when I'm holding it in my arms. When I get to see him and touch him. And it never occurred to me that this much love would come with equal amounts of fear.

I believe God knew what he was doing when he created the relationship between parent and child. My fears for my child come from my love for him. Only by God's design could I love this baby so much already. And it is only through trusting in Him to guide and protect my family that I can prevent myself from being scared all the time. I think it's important to acknowledge that there is pain and evil in this world. Even though I knew this before, I have a new perspective on it. And even though I knew that God was great before, I have a new perspective on Him as well. The life that is inside me is nothing short of a miracle and blessing of God.. Satan is real and he's powerful. My fears are not invalid. But God is real too and he is so much better. So I will put my hope and trust in Him alone.